I recently read a post by the Christian comedian/speaker, Chonda Pierce, in response to the news of yet another Christian celebrity announcing they had lost faith. In it she stated that while she had been in situations of doubt there had always been an “and then” moment. A song, a message, a bible verse which seemed to dispel the doubts and give her reason to believe.

Growing up in church, I’ve had many “and then” moments. I’ve struggled with doubt and anger almost my whole life, but there always seemed to be something which “kept me going”. Now, I’m beginning to wonder if that’s enough.

Is a song about the love of God enough to drown out the fact that the Bible calls lgbtq+ people “abominations” but encourages child abuse? Is a sermon enough to erase the ingrained abuse of power in the church?

I’ve lived on those moments. I’ve clung to faith because it’s helped me in the past and I’ve been taught that leaving means being doomed to hell. But I can’t reconcile the wrong I see in the world and the church with the God I once believed in. I’ve tried to find answers in the Bible, but it only seems to side with the abusers and oppressors. It explicitly endorses authority regardless of morality, and condemns victims.

I’m left with a choice; believe in a god who intentionally created me inferior to men, approves, or at least won’t condemn, abuse, blames victims and demands obedience regardless of who it hurts; or, believe that religion was created by humans to enforce societal morals.

It’s almost easier to believe it’s all a lie than to believe that the god I loved is unjust.

What do you do when “and then” isn’t enough?

I don’t have the answers.

I don’t know that anyone does.

But I can no longer pretend I don’t need them.